Reflections.....

....sitting here reading my blog for the first time in over a year...

Realizing this blog has been to date the blog of a happily married woman absolutely in love with her husband and children...

So much has changed in life. Life is a cruel taskmaster and her lessons can be a cruel misery to endure. Let's just say true strength comes from strength being your last and final resort....today I can tell you I am strong.

I'm strong enough to have lived through hell as I watched the love of my life, a man I so ultimately adored and cherished, walk right on out of not just my life but his children's lives on the arm of another woman. Not just any other random woman but the arm of a woman also the mother of our oldest daughters boyfriend. A woman of low morals who obviously has no respect for ethical behavior or the institute of marriage. A woman who has not even bothered to raise her own children farming them off to whomever would take on the task so she can party and enjoy her own selfish life. A woman who convinced my husband to do the same.

But alas, I'll not judge her for her sins just because they differ from mine. Living with the consequences of the misery their choices have caused however, is a difficult and horrific thing. My beautiful and wonderful husband went from being an amazing husband and father to a selfish man whose children unfortunately have no respect for anymore. Our family has went from a well oiled unit to a debilitated heap of parts and factions. It seems no amount of love from their mother is enough to repair the loss these children have suffered at the hands of their father and nothing save him humbling himself and making a 180 seems to be able to repair the damage his indiscretions have caused.

I read the old entries on this blog and I have died just a little more inside. I have never loved like I love him and I will never trust as I trusted him. My soul is shattered without him in my life while I live with the "promise" that Jesus has come to heal the broken hearted... yet here I am... faithful, loving, kind, doing all I can do and Jesus has yet to show up and heal my heart.

A heroin for all time. . . . Artemisia Gentileschi

Self Portrait of Artemisia Gentileschi

Recently, my daughters and I read a book on the life of Artemisia Gentileschi (July 8, 1593 - 1653) an Italian Early Baroque painter. The story of her life touched both of us.

It's a story of betrayal followed by victory. One that makes us want to pick up painting, a first for them & again for me. A much loved hobby long ago forgotten due to the demands of a family and children. Of course in this day and time with the modern area in art and a definite lack of practice, and in my case a lack of talent, no pressure of aspirations of becoming famous artists. Motivated by the enjoyment of creativity and the simplicity of feeling a brush lying in my hand full of potential, the graceful fluid movement of the oil on the canvas, the smell of turpentine in the air. Just the thought of a compounding pharmacy making blocks of colors out of basic substances like flowers and brick powder excites me. Oh but I'm told that just isn't done anymore, though I'm sure somewhere, maybe across the big pond, it IS still done with flowers and linseed oil. The simple beautiful art of expression is something I have missed dearly in my life and the fact that I haven't shared that side of myself with the children I love so much is about to change.

If a woman in a time when women were considered mere possessions could do it for the love of the art. So can we. With all the walking Katlynn and I do our pallets should be full of beautiful scenes off the beaten path and who knows maybe she will have a talent for portraits or the natural vision needed to paint a fore-shortened foot. Who knows.

I guess the point is her story has inspired as women to be the best women we can be. We even decided the other night to cook rabbit stew, using her recipe, it was pretty great!

Just a brief history on our new heroin;

Artemisia faced the betrayal of rape compounded by the betrayal of her father and a public trial where she almost lost her fingers and her painting talent to a form of torture designed to "make a whore tell the truth". Explaining in part the many scenes of violence in her early work. After the trial she was forced to endure she was partnered into an arranged marriage by her father with a man who was a gambler and a cheat all because of her "bad reputation'. She had four children, one survived past age 5. Once she realized her husband was keeping company with other women and had used up her dowry gambling, she left him and supported herself and her child with her painting talent, an unheard of task for a woman of her time.

For more information on Artemisia go here;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemisia_Gentileschi

To view her paintings go here;

http://www.google.com/images?rlz=1C1RNPN_enUS398&q=artemisia+gentileschi&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=KbjkTN7qBoygnQe3oYT4BQ&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=

title&resnum=2&ved=0CEEQsAQwAQ

What inspires you?

Morning

Seen here is my adorable 9 y/o son in the early morning hours this morning singing I like to Move it. What I wouldn't give to wake up EVERY blessed morning with this much energy. If I was better at editing I could have turned this right side up. Unfortunately for yall, I'm not; so if you watch it more than once like I have, welcome to the wondrous world of neck spasms and Good Morning from the Carris house!

500 am

My internal clock says it's time to get up so sluggishly and with one eye barely open I get out of a warm bed to the shock of 50 degrees complete with the accompanying goose flesh that immediately covered me. 'Who forgot to turn on the heater? Oh yeah, that would be my job. Yikes!' In a rush to find my house robe, (a cream colored fuzzy "moo-moo" yes! I did say that like a cow because a cow is precisely what it makes my rear area look like when I wear it!) I trip over the folders of paperwork I had been working on last night when I drifted off to sleep, CRASH! Catching myself with my hands on the dresser, as I untangle my size 10's, Katlynn's softball picture from last season falls to the floor and breaks. 'Well, so much for being quiet' I say to myself and commence cleaning it up. I guess it's a good thing the resident Grizzly sleeps like a stone first thing in the morning.

515am

Brushing my teeth in the only bathroom in the house when I hear a cute little cell phone ring tone I can only assume is designed to be my 15 y/o daughters alarm. It was after all the right time for it when out of nowhere it happened, "KABOOOOM" "crash" "thud" unknown to me the innocent little cell phone had been thrown across the room and had actually hit the bathroom door before crashing into the bookshelf and finally resting on the floor. Sometimes I wake up grumpy and sometimes I let her sleep. This morning she can relax for little while, I need the quiet.

600am

With Grumpy mad at me (as it turns out, letting her sleep in meant she didn't have time for a shower this morning) I went about the morning routine waking up the rest of the 'dwarfs' Whiny, Stinky, Silly, Ninja, and Boo Boo; by this time Grumpy was already up and living up to her name well and we're off! The race is on to the bathroom, hair must get done, shaving is a necessity now and poor little Jesse has got to go "T-T" right now!! Poor guy, he's got no less than two older sisters to lock him out of the bathroom. So he dances and occupies his time being silly with me. (hence, the video)

630am

The Grizzly is on the move! Watch out!! Luckily I've foreseen this event and prepared his nap sack for work/school and made sure his clinical scrubs are inside, cleaned and pressed. His acknowledgement of my efforts is a sort of guttural utterance resembling what could possibly be gratitude followed by a simple tiny little kiss on the lips and he's off to work. This is quite possibly the quietest part of the chaos we call morning. Every dwarf knows not to mess with the Grizzly before 9am.

700am

Chaos reigns but the dwarfs are beginning to move towards the door as I usher them out into the real world of school and work. By the way, did I mention one of the dogs got out in there somewhere do I spent no less than fifteen minutes running about the neighborhood in my "moo-moo" and slippers? (Yeah, it was a sight let me tell ya. Probably scared the neighbors.)

715am

Finally, we're in the car! I even managed to get clothes on before leaving the house this time for which I'm sure my neighbors are grateful. It's a small but satisfying victory but the best is yet to come....

735am

Dropping Jared off at school is a delight every morning. Not only does it signal the beginning of quiet time for my exhausted self, it is also one of my favorite times with him. Every morning as we pull up to the school, my now fourteen (14) year old, six foot two son leans over and kisses his Momma in front of God and everybody, tells me he loves me and says "Have a good day Mom and remember... Don't get into any trouble...without me." My day would be incomplete without that kiss or him saying those words to me. Then he's gone. Off to spend his day learning and growing; having fun with his classmates. Then, and only then, it's quiet.

930am

Only three more loads of laundry to go and I will win this war yet again today. It's a never ending war, for now. One day when my beloved dwarfs are all out on their own and it's just the two of us; maybe laundry will be weekly chore. I think, for now, fighting the laundry war is far better than missing them. There it is now, missing them, just a small pang.

Well, there it is, just a small peek into a day in the life of one Theresa Carris, wife, mother, nurse.

Otherwise known by the dwarfs as that sweet harmless retarded lady that does all our laundry.

Does life get any better?

It's been awhile...Getting with the program.

Good Morning.

This morning I'm focused on getting back with the blogging program. I've had a rough year and as the old saying goes...

"If you don't have anything nice to say; don't say anything at all." - unknown

So, I've remained silent.

Sure, there have been some up's over the past year like the fact that Jared is now living his dream of playing high school football, Alyssa was a real princess for a night, Katlynn is finally realizing there is life after plantar fasciitis and is able to run again, and Jesse is enjoying being nine, he's a busy guy, and so cute to boot.

Jason and I have been on the 'in's' and the 'out's' and are back 'in' again at this moment. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a moment could just simply last forever?

Family life is always a little choatic with no less than six children and two adults living in a three bedroom one bath house. How could it be anything less than chaos? The laundry was winning the battle for a while but I finally had the time and spent all weekend winning the war...for now. Now, if I could only keep it all going maybe I could somehow manage to incorporate getting back to church in the deal.

It's a good life, it has some harsh realities, but it's a life worth fighting for and possibly blogging about. Who knows maybe the insanity of it all will lead to a book someday my children will laugh over.

"The life and times of the crazy woman" or something to that effect. It could be a parody of the realisms that make mothers of multiple children absolutely insane with worry, laughter and of course would include the most basic of all causes of dementia and alzheimers....raising teenagers!!

At any rate, if there's anyone still out there interested in reading, I'll be writing.

Have a blessed day!
~Theresa (a.k.a. kidlette)

The Latest....as of 6/17/09

Well, it's been quite a week here. Nothing terribly exciting but busy to say the least. Jared left us for Scout camp on Monday and won't be back home until Friday evening. He was a bit nervous when he left and so was Mom. I wanted to make sure he had everything he needs, etc... While I'm sure he'll be enjoying the trip and may or may not get homesick, I sure do miss him here and I never seem to stop looking for him around the house.

Yesterday Jason and I made the trip to Monroe, LA. Two hours of ALONE time. YAY!! Maybe if we hadn't had to wake up at 4AM it would have been a more talkative trip down there. Once we got there, we had special permission to pick up Elders Harding and Hansen and take them out to breakfast. We really enjoyed our special time with the two of them. Ya'll may remember Elder Harding as being a major Carris family fav. So, everytime I have to go to Monroe on business, I usually schedule something with him and his new companion. Yesterday Elder Harding reminded me it's been almost six months since he served here in our ward. Where does the time go?

With business matters attended to and the Elders fed to capacity! Elder Hansen can really eat!!LOL Jason and I headed back home. Now I don't know why it happens but everytime I am in Monroe I come home with a sinus headache. Allergies to something there, I suppose, but this time was a bit different. We pulled out of Monroe at about 1130am headed towards home (actually Minden first..explained later) with my headache fully onboard. EEK! Every bump in the road felt as if it were a knife entering my skull and tylenol wasn't touching it. So here we go. Great I begin running a temp.

Finally make it into Minden so Jason can see the foot doctor for a problem he's having at 2pm. You see, we're really trying to adopt a new lifestyle. With that comes some bumps and bruises. We are ok with this. We just didn't know about the blisters that would come on as part of our efforts to change our existence.

You see, Sunday, Jason, the children and I walked. Jason set the pace and off we went on a 5 mile trek. We really enjoyed our time and goofed off together as I struggled to keep up with my leggy children as they breezed by me in lock step with their father. Sheesh! I felt a little like a troll trying to keep up but I managed it without a trip to the ER and afterwards we all felt great! Except Jason. Jason had a sore spot on the ball of his left foot that was giving him some real pain. Upon taking off his shoes we encountered a blood soaked sock and a blister 2.5cm by 1.5cm deep enough to be classified as a stage 2 pressure sore. So, we dealt with it the best we could on Monday and Tuesday he HAD to see the doc. It was obviously getting infected despite my best efforts to keep a sterile dressing on it, clean, etc...

He sees the doc, and off we go to the house to sleep for two hours before he works the nightshift replumbing a kitchen at a nursing home and I go on exchanges with a fever. It was an enjoyable evening, Sister Heaton and I got to visit at length with two less than active families of our ward. It was a fun and exciting time. Once we got back to our meeting place to meet the other sisters, forty-five minutes late. I was ready to crash, so we chatted for a bit, and off to home I went.

And Crash I did........I hugged my children, prayed a short prayer, asked my hubby for a blessing which he did give me...(insert shocked expression here)......and for which I am very thankful!! And I slept....woke up this morning still a bit out of sorts, (as though ya'll can't tell from the drugged rambling in this post.)

OK...on that note.....I'm out! Hope you all have a blessed day!!

Ummmm....Yeah

Oh My Hannah...

I woke up this morning with a burr.....augh! Not an actual burr but more of an issue that I have been trying to figure out how to deal with for over a month. So, armed with a dream I awoke from and a day or two of sincere prayer I went about the task of writing emails. It was something that I really didn't want to do and yet knew it had to be done. There is air to be cleared here and I'm arming myself with the force of a Mighty Wind and trying my best to allow the Holy Ghost to lead me in the right direction come what may.

The Scriptures say in D&C 121:43 (paraphrased not quoted) that we are to nip things in the butt immediately with sharpness when moved on by the Holy Ghost and then afterwards show forth an increase of love toward those whom we reprove lest they esteem us to be an enemy.

So I wrote, and I wrote until the feeling in my stomach was gone and finally love began to flow through me again. I can't tell you how many countless lines or hours I had written about all of this in my journal or how many heartfelt prayers I had prayed, (I even fasted...ack!!) nothing seemed to bring about the peace and comfort I needed until now. It is my hope and my prayer that although scattered and hard to read they may be, the people reading those emails will know my intention is love and only love that inspired them.


~~~~~~~~~~Interesting update~~~~~~~



Well, I read my 'horror'scope this morning on Yahoo! and it went like this...

"Jump at today's big chance -- you can make almost anything happen, if you are willing to drop what you're doing and act! It may startle those around you, but you know it's all for the best. "

Of course my prayer is that it is only for the best....

~~~~~~~~Update ...AGAIN!!!

Astrology.com says my horoscope for today is this....

"After who knows how long spent in endless negotiations, you've finally found the magic verbal key. Yes, you really can prove your point now without offending anyone or gaining a reputation as a bulldozer. Hey, bounce it off a friend if you're still skeptical."

So even if my knees feel like jello and I'm quaking in my boots, there is even more confirmation I'm at least standing in the right place.

Antsy Morning......

Well, I just woke up...never the best time to be blogging. I'm supposed to go to the gym this morning with Hillary to work out but already I can think of a million and one reasons not to go. I woke up with a pulsing headache....took something for it and I'm hopeful it will go away before 0730 or I will have to cancel the gym appointment. It seems whenever I get a headache like this I battle nausea. Thinking it's probably not such a great idea to go puke in the gym today.

It seems to be a high anxiety morning too, not sure why other than my NCLEX results should be in today, I hope. Or maybe it's that I have six children here instead of my normal four which didn't help me sleep well last night. Who knows....at this point, I'm thinking of going back to bed and starting over in a couple hours.

~~~~~~~~~update~~~~~~~

Interesting to me was when I read my horoscope this morning just for fun and found this to be my daily reading...

" You have a headache, you didn't sleep well last night and everyone seems to want something from you. Just this once, refuse. Even omnipotent multitaskers are entitled to downtime."

I'm not typically a huge believer in Astrology but I do find it very interesting when it's this accurate.

~~~~~~~update #2~~~~~~~~

I did pass the NCLEX!!!! YAY!!! Got my license here in the state of Louisiana FINALLY!!

Patience IS a virtue.......

Finally at long last....yesterday I sat for my NCLEX examination!!!

I had really wanted to journal more on here about my hopes, feelings, etc... from while I was in AZ and since I've been home from visiting my family but my head has been so full of conflicting thoughts and emotions that I felt it all better kept to myself. It seems that with time and prayer the clouds are beginning to dissipate and the light is seaping through little by little. I hope in time there will be a genre for the opportunity to share the personal growth I've experienced as a result of that trip. For now, the morning of NCLEX...

Don't even worry about getting up late, I was up at 0445 ready to take on the world or at least a few ATI exams. (ATI exams are the mock NCLEX ) So, after making Jason's lunch, getting a warm heartfelt hug/kiss and good luck wish from him I sent him off to face the world of nasty chicken guts the various other ilks he was dreading about working with while doing the plumbing for the chicken processing plant in Farmerville, LA. (I'm so happy to not be a plumber!!) At 0515...armed with my cup of warm mint water, and my handy dandy notebook, I'm off.... First practice test, Pharmacology. Yikes! I did have to chose that one first....ummm yeah, well... An hour later with a 54% score and my ego in the dirt I decide (since I can't read my entire drug book in 3 hours) I'll just freshen up on the drug classes in the front. 30 mins later I'm back on the puter for test #2 Pharmacology again......Oh my Hannah....a rather frustrating hour goes by and I score 71%. YIKES!!! Looking at the clock...it's only 0750 so I've got about 2.5 hours to study. (forget about getting dressed, applying any make-up and the hair from hell....yeah, it's going into a ponytail today!) OK, not doing very well in Pharm so I switch to Med/Surg questions, the tests flow a bit easier for me but still only an 84.5% and I'm about to run out of time.....oh man, I still have to put clothes on...are you kidding me...nah, just a few more Med/Surg questions....I'll have time.

Jared and Alyssa get up at 0930, exactly thirty minutes before I had planned to leave, and decide to do something nice and make Mom (me) a "good luck on your test breakfast" of fried pancakes loaded with real butter and syrup....I go with it, yummy comfort food!! After all, my brain needs food...and the calories....well, I've heard somewhere if ya cut it into little pieces the calories fall out right?!!? O'well if they don't I'll walk a couple extra miles this week and pray it comes off my hind end in the process. Then there it goes.... my quiet, easygoing, peaceful, relaxing morning that I had discussed with all of my children the night before goes straight down the toilet. Let the fighting begin.....must I always have to be a referee?? Why do 12-13 year old children think the WORLD revolves around them???? That's all I have to say about that. So, in a state of complete frustration with one of my children and with my stomach in knots due to nerves, I leave the house and drive......now I'm just cranky....thank goodness I put all my documentation in the car Tuesday night because in my mood I would have forgotten everything I needed.


On my way to the testing site, silence. No radio. I just need to cool off. Once I've gained some composure I text a few friends and family to let them know I'm on my way and I need them to pray. Of ten messages, only three responded for which I'm extremely grateful. Talked to Jason, Hillary and Jerry during the rest of my journey and received encouragement. My cousin Derek sent me a text message wishing me luck....is there such a thing as luck? If so, I hope to be the luckiest person alive today!! Eeek! That's a rather selfish thought....

So, I get to the testing site at 1110 with a few minutes to spare before my 1130 exam and park under a shade tree at the far end of the parking lot...somehow the distance seems to allay the anxiety a little or could it be it just the truck was faced away from the building diverting my attention from impending doom?!?! Ummm...where's that smell coming from? Oh...ooOOOOoooOoOoo pizza. Looking up there was a pizza restaraunt right next to where I parked...yeah, that's a diversion.....now I can't think at all!!! Great!! Somehow then my mind went from the yummy fragrance of warm pepperoni covered in cheese to decubitus ulcer staging and ecchymosis....yip! that's completely disgusting but....it flowed well so I went with it. Talked with Jason and then with Sharon again really quick before walking the "green mile" of cobblestone that took to me my certain doom. Suddenly I remember to pray a feable prayer for absolute recall, comfort, reassurance and success in my efforts before getting to the door. I must have looked like an absolute idiot walking to the doors of this monsterous building talking openly to Heavenly Father....I'm sure it looked as though I was talking to myself. Yeah, just what I need the Nursing board to think....."schizo"....not!!

Finally I make it through the door a few steps to the elevator and suddenly my knees begin to feel like jello....gulp! My tired brain is screaming "Get ahold of yourself" and my stomach chimes in.....great...lions and tigers and bears...OH MY HECK can we stop it already!! Wandering around the second floor looking for suite 212 or a bathroom whichever comes first....oh no...it's not the bathroom. Suite # 212....the receptionist looks like someones sweet little grandmother. She must be used to nervous folks because it seemed she was able to read my thoughts through the desperation in my eyes. She quickly scans in my documentation, photographs me and takes my fingerprint and I now get to sign my life on the dotted line. Suddenly my bladder refused to cooperate as the blessed receptionist simply stated; "the bathroom is across the hall dear if you need to go, go ahead" Bless you!!! and I'm outta there.....

Another quick prayer in the cramped commode "Heavenly Father, PLEASE be with me through this..." and my reprieve was over. Back to Suite #212 for the test, with a short "we who are about to die salute you" I'm fingerprinted and taken in to the exam room, introduced to my computer and instructed to raise my hand if I need anything at all. I was assigned to cubicle #2 and given a dry erase board with pen for any writing I might need to do and the proctor wished me luck. Here it is..... the moment, my moment to shine...... a moment that took forever to tick-tick- TICK by with the huge round wall clock I was blessed or CURSED enough to be placed directly under.

Now, I had a well thought out NCLEX test plan and strategy for completing my exam as comfortably as possible, I picked soft loose clothing with comfy shoes. I used the bathroom before I left, and had planned to use it again one hour into my test which would also allow me to get a drink of water. My plan was for four hours of testing containing 205 NCLEX style questions. Best laid plans of mice and men/me.....much to my horror 45 mins into answering some difficult questions, some of which I know I pulled out of my hind end, my exam stopped, dead....85 questions, that was it. No more questions, no more chances.....just done. OH MY HANNAH, what do I do now? My stomach groaned in agreement. I raised my hand before my planned bathroom break and I waited for the proctor to come. I was pronounced free to go and escorted to the door. Now I wait for my results.........noone knows how long that will take so I wait....

Smiles ARE Contagious!!!

Yesterday I had the absolute pleasure of hanging out with a friend and I'm grateful for her contagious smile. Shown here is Sister Cardon with her family in their much dreaded Easter pic which I stole from her blog...or borrowed rather....(coughs...eek! I hope she doesn't mind my using it on my blog. )

Sis. Cardon has been a wonderful inspiration to me with her beautiful well behaved boys, her clean home which she has opened up to our family, her interest in being fit and healthy, and with the beautiful spirit and 'gung ho' positive attitude she possesses. I'm thankful to be able to call her my friend.

As things go, a friend in need is a friend indeed; such was I yesterday. Having allowed so much negativity into my own mind and with frustration mounting faster than I could contain it over this situation with the nursing board, I was fit to be tied and clearly ready for the padded room by yesterday morning. I was miserable and felt entirely hopeless in the situation. What a blessing it was to be able to call first thing in the morning and find a compassionate voice on the other end. I'm so grateful she was willing to come hang out with me for the afternoon AFTER a 40mile bike ride. I would have needed ambulance assistance but not Hillary, she showed up with a smile and she even brought lunch!!

Now, as frustrating as it may be, the situation hasn't changed one bit with the nursing board at this point. Being with Hillary though has helped me see the forest instead of the trees that are blocking my path and her being here was just the distraction I needed to make it through the day. Sharing a few laughs didn't hurt anything either. Thank you for that.

I find myself today just a little complacent or blah for lack of a better definition. I talked with the Board representative this morning and there's still no news yet as to when my letter might get here entailing whatever else they'll need so I just have to wait....ICK!! I wish I had something to work on or that I could do to feel like I'm actively pushing onward and upward with this thing but.... no dice.... today I just wait. Making good use of my time is the goal today, so far I've made thank you cards for those who remembered my birthday, cleaned out my bedroom disaster, put dinner in the crock pot which smells absolutely wonderful, scrubbed the children's bathroom and even managed to read my scriptures and journal a bit. So far, it's been a good morning. OOoooPs there's the door.....time to go work in the yard again!! Here's to hoping I have more time to write later!! ~chiao

Pins and Needles....

I'm just writing to vent this time. When it feels like the whole world is moving on while you're simply standing still it's time to write it out. That's where I am today. For four long months, I've been pushing paper and complying with various different forms of red tape in my efforts to get my Louisiana Nursing License. It's been a gruelling process that I would never wish on my worst enemy. I've really worked hard to keep my chin up and push on through whatever challenges have come and I'm only freaking out today because I've done all I can do and now it's time to just stand still and wait. I've never been very good at that so I'm freaking out.

All day I've waited in one way or another, I've cleaned house and checked my email on the fly, I've went to town and bought necessities (toilet paper emergency) and I've read, prayed until finally I could not stand it and I called my contact at the nursing board and told her I'm feeling like that kid in the back of the car saying "are we there yet?" over and over again. She chuckled and said she should know something by 3:15pm. It's now 3:32pm and NOTHING YET!!!! AUGH!!!! You see my frustration.......