I had really wanted to journal more on here about my hopes, feelings, etc... from while I was in AZ and since I've been home from visiting my family but my head has been so full of conflicting thoughts and emotions that I felt it all better kept to myself. It seems that with time and prayer the clouds are beginning to dissipate and the light is seaping through little by little. I hope in time there will be a genre for the opportunity to share the personal growth I've experienced as a result of that trip. For now, the morning of NCLEX...
Don't even worry about getting up late, I was up at 0445 ready to take on the world or at least a few ATI exams. (ATI exams are the mock NCLEX ) So, after making Jason's lunch, getting a warm heartfelt hug/kiss and good luck wish from him I sent him off to face the world of nasty chicken guts the various other ilks he was dreading about working with while doing the plumbing for the chicken processing plant in Farmerville, LA. (I'm so happy to not be a plumber!!) At 0515...armed with my cup of warm mint water, and my handy dandy notebook, I'm off.... First practice test, Pharmacology. Yikes! I did have to chose that one first....ummm yeah, well... An hour later with a 54% score and my ego in the dirt I decide (since I can't read my entire drug book in 3 hours) I'll just freshen up on the drug classes in the front. 30 mins later I'm back on the puter for test #2 Pharmacology again......Oh my Hannah....a rather frustrating hour goes by and I score 71%. YIKES!!! Looking at the clock...it's only 0750 so I've got about 2.5 hours to study. (forget about getting dressed, applying any make-up and the hair from hell....yeah, it's going into a ponytail today!) OK, not doing very well in Pharm so I switch to Med/Surg questions, the tests flow a bit easier for me but still only an 84.5% and I'm about to run out of time.....oh man, I still have to put clothes on...are you kidding me...nah, just a few more Med/Surg questions....I'll have time.
Jared and Alyssa get up at 0930, exactly thirty minutes before I had planned to leave, and decide to do something nice and make Mom (me) a "good luck on your test breakfast" of fried pancakes loaded with real butter and syrup....I go with it, yummy comfort food!! After all, my brain needs food...and the calories....well, I've heard somewhere if ya cut it into little pieces the calories fall out right?!!? O'well if they don't I'll walk a couple extra miles this week and pray it comes off my hind end in the process. Then there it goes.... my quiet, easygoing, peaceful, relaxing morning that I had discussed with all of my children the night before goes straight down the toilet. Let the fighting begin.....must I always have to be a referee?? Why do 12-13 year old children think the WORLD revolves around them???? That's all I have to say about that. So, in a state of complete frustration with one of my children and with my stomach in knots due to nerves, I leave the house and drive......now I'm just cranky....thank goodness I put all my documentation in the car Tuesday night because in my mood I would have forgotten everything I needed.
On my way to the testing site, silence. No radio. I just need to cool off. Once I've gained some composure I text a few friends and family to let them know I'm on my way and I need them to pray. Of ten messages, only three responded for which I'm extremely grateful. Talked to Jason, Hillary and Jerry during the rest of my journey and received encouragement. My cousin Derek sent me a text message wishing me luck....is there such a thing as luck? If so, I hope to be the luckiest person alive today!! Eeek! That's a rather selfish thought....
So, I get to the testing site at 1110 with a few minutes to spare before my 1130 exam and park under a shade tree at the far end of the parking lot...somehow the distance seems to allay the anxiety a little or could it be it just the truck was faced away from the building diverting my attention from impending doom?!?! Ummm...where's that smell coming from? Oh...ooOOOOoooOoOoo pizza. Looking up there was a pizza restaraunt right next to where I parked...yeah, that's a diversion.....now I can't think at all!!! Great!! Somehow then my mind went from the yummy fragrance of warm pepperoni covered in cheese to decubitus ulcer staging and ecchymosis....yip! that's completely disgusting but....it flowed well so I went with it. Talked with Jason and then with Sharon again really quick before walking the "green mile" of cobblestone that took to me my certain doom. Suddenly I remember to pray a feable prayer for absolute recall, comfort, reassurance and success in my efforts before getting to the door. I must have looked like an absolute idiot walking to the doors of this monsterous building talking openly to Heavenly Father....I'm sure it looked as though I was talking to myself. Yeah, just what I need the Nursing board to think....."schizo"....not!!
Finally I make it through the door a few steps to the elevator and suddenly my knees begin to feel like jello....gulp! My tired brain is screaming "Get ahold of yourself" and my stomach chimes in.....great...lions and tigers and bears...OH MY HECK can we stop it already!! Wandering around the second floor looking for suite 212 or a bathroom whichever comes first....oh no...it's not the bathroom. Suite # 212....the receptionist looks like someones sweet little grandmother. She must be used to nervous folks because it seemed she was able to read my thoughts through the desperation in my eyes. She quickly scans in my documentation, photographs me and takes my fingerprint and I now get to sign my life on the dotted line. Suddenly my bladder refused to cooperate as the blessed receptionist simply stated; "the bathroom is across the hall dear if you need to go, go ahead" Bless you!!! and I'm outta there.....
Another quick prayer in the cramped commode "Heavenly Father, PLEASE be with me through this..." and my reprieve was over. Back to Suite #212 for the test, with a short "we who are about to die salute you" I'm fingerprinted and taken in to the exam room, introduced to my computer and instructed to raise my hand if I need anything at all. I was assigned to cubicle #2 and given a dry erase board with pen for any writing I might need to do and the proctor wished me luck.
Now, I had a well thought out NCLEX test plan and strategy for completing my exam as comfortably as possible, I picked soft loose clothing with comfy shoes. I used the bathroom before I left, and had planned to use it again one hour into my test which would also allow me to get a drink of water. My plan was for four hours of testing containing 205 NCLEX style questions. Best laid plans of mice and men/me.....much to my horror 45 mins into answering some difficult questions, some of which I know I pulled out of my hind end, my exam stopped, dead....85 questions, that was it. No more questions, no more chances.....just done. OH MY HANNAH, what do I do now? My stomach groaned in agreement. I raised my hand before my planned bathroom break and I waited for the proctor to come. I was pronounced free to go and escorted to the door. Now I wait for my results.........noone knows how long that will take so I wait....
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